Disclaimer: Today is a strictly words only post because I have a lot to say, and I'm going to express it the best way I can.
Life is hard. There's no doubt about it. I'm not going to claim to have some special insight or revelation into the world. I'm a seventeen year old girl living in a middle class family in the suburbs. What I do have are opinions and thoughts and ideas that I feel I need to share because, who knows, maybe it will help someone else reach a conclusion that will help bring them closure or comfort.
Being a person is hard. There's no doubt about that either. We have to deal with all of the falseness and feigned empathy in the world. Some people will care, but most others won't.
I've been having a hard time dealing with this recently; I've been noticing only the fake parts of people, and it was truly making me unhappy and unmotivated to do anything. When I started feeling this way, I would turn to fashion and YouTube to inspire and bring me up again, which was both good and bad.
Good because it helped me realize how important my self-expression is to my sanity, and it helped nurture this expression to let it grow and build itself up.
Bad because I sort of lost who I truly am and what and who I truly care about in the process. I slowly became more obsessed with the attention and superficiality of it all, rather than the expression that came from it. I lost myself in expression.
I basically created this notion of who I truly am. I thought,"Wow, I finally found who I am, and now I can be me." but rather than staying true to myself, I stayed true to this image of myself I created.
I had lost the fact that humans are consistently moving and changing and altering the way we see life. Rather than changing this image of myself as I actually changed, I became so obsessed with keeping it I lost myself even further.
I need to realize that my personality isn't always going to be consistent, and I can't force it to be that way. Who I was a year ago is not who I am now. Admitting that is easy, but actually living by it is the hard part.
I think it's important that I be thankful for those who have stuck around with me even though I haven't been that great to them. I was to busy keeping up with people who don't really care all that much about me in the end, that I thought I lost who really counts.
Sometimes we just need to admit when we're wrong. Sometimes we just need to be at fault.
All I know is that I need to work toward being a better person and bringing myself back into the picture. I need to drop this person who is so concerned with acceptance. I need to be me, but not in the,"always be yourself!" way. I need to be me in the sense that I have to stop creating me.
Talk to you guys tomorrow.