DISCLAIMER: I am typing this on my iPad, and I cordially apologize for the typos and awkward prose.
Sometimes, I just don't know. But I guess that's true of everyone seventeen-going on-eighteen experiencing the last high school summer before college.
I have been absolutely terrible at keeping up with this blog and YouTube channel, and in all of the time I've spent contemplating it, I feel as though I could have done that much more with it. I have been wondering recently WHY I am having such issues with posting videos and photos and ideas, and I feel as though I have come to a somewhat coherent answer.
I am afraid of failure,
and I am afraid of coming short of my expectations.
I started this blog a year ago, and I have done barely anything with it. In that time, I have seen people go from nothing to exploding with creative vigor and originality. Put yet, here I am, barely forcing myself past the first step. For a while I hated myself for this lack of ACTION and PRODUCTIVITY, but then I started questioning the foundation for the idea of productivity in itself.
Why do I consider lying on the couch, typing some pretentious idea that no one is going to read on my iPad as productive, but yet looking out the window and thinking the exact same thoughts as doing nothing? Is my definition of productivity only valid if it is shared with the rest if the world?
But if I have the will and the means to be "productive" and put myself out there, what us stopping me?
I have always had this deep, onset fear of failing to meet my expectations, yet I always set such high expectations. It makes no sense. Why would I set myself up for the thing that I so feared?
I think that I do this, as many of us do, because I didn't know anywhere else to start. I had these huge dreams and goals, yet the onslaught of failure always prevented me from actually put myself out there in attempts to succeed. A combination of low self-esteem and high expeditions led the pendulum of my ideas, and I was the weight, swinging eternally back and forth between the two.
I don't know how realistic it is to attempt to escape pendulum, but if I know a thing or two about physics, is that a pendulum always reached equilibrium between the two maximums. If I can figure out a way to recognize this equilibrium in my life, maybe I have a chance to be successful in meeting my expectation.
Meet you in the middle,