Untitled Thoughts

Hello! I'm back with another Megan-types-words-slghtly-incoherently post today. Also I warn you in advance for any horrendous grammatical errors, because right now I just don't care, and I want to try to make my point. I have a lot of thoughts on growing up/being a teenager/expectations/dreaming. Lately I've been lacking my sense of optimism and dreaming-ness that I usually possess. And by lately I mean probably since the beginning of the summer. For a while I was questioning what had happened to me, but then I kind of realized it: I grew up a little. Which sucks to think about because I've only just turned 17. But over the summer I held an internship at a big scientific company, and it was a rather grown-up job. I had to dress business casual and work 20-30 hours a week. It was an absolutely amazing experience, but I kind of missed out on my last "high school dream summer." I didn't really do much over the summer because I was always working. But what can I do now?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm kind of over that dream of high school and senior year, which is not very fun considering I'm only halfway through this year and I want to graduate already. Which is not a very unique feeling among my peers (if I had a dime for every time I heard,"I'm just done with school already"...) But in all reality, I miss that feeling of being stuck in this place that feels like eternity and that it's never going to end. Life suddenly became so real, and the small things started feeling less and less important as time goes on. Like, I used to LOVE the small things. I loved creating little memories that I could cherish forever and they would never leave me. I remember sitting in a little coffee shop with a boy I liked soon-to-be my boyfriend, talking for hours and hours just about life and what it is and what it means and feeling like it was never going to end. Suddenly it's a year and a half later, and we've been together for just as long, and it's crazy to think where I am in life. I mean, a chapter of my life is about to close and it's hard not to feel like I've missed out on so much, but that brings me to my next point: expectations.

I think my expectations have always been pretty high to begin with, now with access to pretty much the whole world on the internet, combined with exposure to pictures of people having fun on the internet, and teen rom coms, it's hard not to have our expectations raised a little too high.

But then I went back and thought about my high school experiences, and realized that I reached every single milestone I had expected and even more. When I wasn't trying to create these experiences, they just happened. I can remember trying to force myself to have fun at football games, even though I'm not really a social person in that sense. I won't look back on my high school years and think,"Oh wow, I had so much fun at the games. They were some of the best times of my life." No, I'm going to look back and remember how crucial they were to my self-realization of my personality and where I feel most comfortable and who I feel most comfortable around. I'm going to remember passing hundreds of notes between my friend and I in freshman physics, drawing pictures and joking about our favorite shows and books and YouTubers because that's what we liked. I'm not going to remember how bad I felt one day because of how my hair looked or whatever because that's so insignificant in the long run.

I'm going to remember sitting on the dock by myself just drawing and waiting for the sunset because I have always reveled in solitude and the natural beauty of life.

I'm going to remember walking around my neighborhood at one in the morning with my best friends, just talking about anything and everything. And I remembered how perfect it began to be when it started snowing and we were simultaneously laughing and crying because that's what friendship is. It's laughter and tears and sorrow and being together, even when it gets cold.

I'm going to remember sitting in a Dunkin' Donuts at 5 in the morning because I needed to teach my friend geometry the morning before the final.

And most of all I'm going to remember all of the memories I created when I wasn't trying to create them. I'm going to remember when life just fell perfectly into place and everything seemed in sync. But Im also going to remember that these experiences are not completely over; I still have 6 months left with my high school self and my high school friends before we move on to a bigger taste of the real world (As real as college can get).

I guess I'm just feeling nostalgic and sad and hopeful and a little bit terrified of the future, because it is uncertain and I can't control that. But I guess that's what makes it exciting.

I was going to share my December goals on here, but ultimately I have one. And that is to be happy and enjoy myself without thinking too hard about it. I don't know why I've started avoiding people, and maybe it's because I'm afraid of getting too attached in such a short time. Who knows. I don't. All I know is that I need to stop stressing and just be happy. Life is inevitable, and I need to stop being so afraid. But I guess these are probably thoughts that everyone in my situation is going through. Hm. Something to think about.

Thanks for being a friend to talk to
Megan